Hello, I'd like to join, because I sometimes write articles (rants, really) and have nowhere to put them. I'm from London so some of my humour may be confusing due to shop/product names, but here's a piece I wrote called 'Money', basically about having none.
I am, as some hookers say, extremely expensive. My mother used to like me to join her on the weekly shop, to go on little “cheese missions”, but now, with the added expense of Sea Salt Kettle Chips, pancakes, Naan Breads, Chocolate Brownies with M&Ms on top and a t-shirt from Cherokee, she has decided to lock me in the house on Saturday mornings, because “my credit cards won’t take it.”
My ambition is to get married when I am sixteen, and I hoped this idea might reduce my mother to tears at the thought of loosing her youngest child so young, but she simply replied, “Good. Some other bugger can pay for you.”
I have tried to curb my frivolous attitude towards money. Actually, I haven’t. But one day I will blossom into a thrifty person who only takes £50 to Tesco and doesn’t go near Cherokee, (or Florence and Fred because hopefully I won’t be a mutton-dressed-as-lamb frugal person) or the dessert section. I will also have learnt how to spell dessert.
To someone who, up until three months ago, thought that a frugal person was someone who sold fruit, learning to scrimp and save is a terrifying prospect. Why have one ring from Topshop, when you can have five?
I also hope that in years to come, I am not in possession of a computer, because that would give me frighteningly easy access to such evils as ebay, amazon, and play.com. All I have to do is visit one of those websites and I immediately find myself about £30 out of pocket, and to a non-working fifteen-year-old, that’s about two months worth of pocket money. The recommendations service doesn’t help either. It’s not a service to me, it’s a service to them, because they know that I am powerless to resist ‘Shaun of the Dead’ on DVD for £7.99.
My ill-considered advice to anyone wishing to become more penny-wise is this:
1) Destroy your computer. It’s for your own good. Should anyone else in your home protest, tell them that it had a virus and was threatening to kill you all anyway.
2) Force yourself to keep a money box. And, (here’s the catch) put money in it. Do not allow yourself to open it for any reason which is not essential to your staying alive.
3) Every day, look in the mirror and say: “You are a strong person. You do not need three different purses from New Look, a t-shirt saying ‘Jesus is my Homeboy’ or the Blackadder Box-set. You can get by without them.”
I hope you like it!